I Believe...

My family is not exactly known for calm and quite Christmases. We try, but it never happens. My Granny always called us “The Hamlin Zoo,” and this seems to particularly qualify during the Holidays. We spent one lovely Christmas in a hotel in Baton Rouge after Amanda had nasal surgery. She was supposed to be allowed to travel a few days after the surgery, but that was revoked by the doctor. So Katie, Daddy and I packed up all of the presents (and in my family there are tons), decorations (most of them vintage), food, beverages, two small Chihuahuas (no, it wasn’t a dog friendly hotel)… you name it- we had it. Then we found out the hotel had a free happy hour each evening. Well, from 5:00 on there was quite a holiday party going on. Poor Amanda was either over dosed or under dosed on her meds the entire time.

Then there was the Christmas three of our all-time favorite family quotes were uttered. Katie was in Grad School at Texas A&M, and at the last minute we found out she wasn’t going to be able to leave her research project and come home. So instead, we all packed up the presents, decorations, food, two small Chihuahuas and a one-eared Golden Retriever and headed for College Station, TX. Each morning we were up and going at about 4:30am to go with Katie to the barn, freeze our asses off, and feed about 30 pregnant mares. Then at five that night it was the same story. It was quite an event to see the Hamlins in a frozen tundra of horse poo twice a day and my mother in her black velour sweat suit, fur coat and fur trimmed gloves sweeping poo of the concrete. But we did it. Why? No one’s really sure. It’s just what we do. The only really bad scene was when Mama’s 3 pound Chihuahua, Belle, was perched on one end of a blow-up mattress and I stepped on the other end and sent her flying. It was funny to everyone but Mama.
And then there was the Piece de Resistance of Christmas in Texas. Daddy and Amanda had gone back to the hotel for the evening and Mama and I were enjoying a much deserved bottle of wine… each. Now, Mama drinks two glasses of wine a night without fail. Sometimes three. But rarely a bottle. Actually, that’s the only time I can remember her doing that. Which explained what happened next. Mama ended up just a little bit drunk. Now, my mother is hilarious on a normal day. But this was just too much.

First Katie and I found her in the bathroom, leaning over the sink with her finger under a trickle of water. She has a very peaceful look on her face and when she saw us staring at her she informed us, “It sounds just like a creek, a mountain creek. It’s soothing me.” I’m fairly confident that both mine and Katie’s exact responses were, “Okaaaaaaaay.”
After we discussed mountain creeks for a few minutes, Katie tried to convince Mama to go lay down. She didn’t think she needed to lay down, but I told her she was a little drunk and she DID need to lay down. Well, she was incensed and out came favorite Hamlin-Family quote number two: “Girls, I am NOT drunk! If I were drunk, I’d be drunk! But I’m NOT drunk! And that’s just good common sense!” Katie and I pretty much lost it there.

Finally, Katie got Mama into bed, but she started feeling queasy because the room was spinning. A few minutes after she laid down, we began hearing, “I neeeeeed an Indian!” Naturally, we HAD to ask why she needed an Indian. Come to find out she was referring to an American Indian, and she needed one because, “They have cures.” We couldn’t help it, we laughed at her again. And the final line of the evening was: “Don’t laugh! I BELIEVE in Indians! And I Buh-Leeve in black people too! They know things, they KNOW more than we do!” I told her I was glad she believed in them because they were real, and Katie (being the nicer daughter) got herself under control, gave Mama two Aleve and got her to go to sleep.
So if you want a quiet, relaxing Christmas stay home. But if you’re looking for a wild time, figure out wherever it is The Hamlin Zoo is spending the Holidays.