General musings on the ups and downs and ins and outs in the life of a 30 something, unmarried, life loving, some times interesting and sometimes not, mostly happy girl just trying to figure it all out!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Heart Murmurs and Dating

I have dating issues. Not ones where I go crazy, or freak out, or lose it on guys or anything. Just, basically, that I don't date. Pretty much ever. Honestly- two serious boyfriends in 28 years. And just dates that I've gone out on? Maybe 5 total, if you're generous.

And it's not that I don't want to date, or that I want to be alone forever (Heaven forbid!). I just get attached very easily and take it really seriously and I can't tell myself to just relax and see where things go. It doesn't work. So I don't date because it's so stressful and upsetting to me. For years I have tried to figure out why in the world I do this. Turns out, that traumatic doctor appointment I has a few weeks ago solves the issue.

I have a heart murmur.
The easy explanation here is that my heart has a hole in it. Two, actually. And so rather than pumping from chamber to chamber in the correct order, the blood in my heart leaks into the other chambers and spreads around. So the proper oxygen levels aren't in the right locations and all of that fun stuff. This has a multitude of repercussions most likely ending in heart surgery to repair the holes so that my heart doesn't fail (eventually- not immediately. Don't panic.)

How does this relate to my dating? Very simple. When that blood seeps into the wrong chambers, so do my emotions. So when I should be just getting to know someone, the emotion has already gone past that chamber and onto worrying about commitment. And when it should be in commitment, it's already into worrying about how we will get along long term and if we're compatible and if he will break my heart. All of this takes every ounce of fun out of dating and causes me to stay away from it.

Think about it- it's the perfect answer to why I can't separate things in my life: my job is who I am, my dog is my child, my bffs are my life, my nephews and nieces are my own children... this list goes on and on.

Explanation Accepted. Now... on to problem solved?


  1. You are so funny AshHam! I love you and your holey heart!

  2. :O
    well I'm glad you aren't having surgery anytime soon..and it really does make sense to why you feel the way that you do. Thank you for opening up in that way :)

  3. Definitely had similar issues with dating. My heart murmur used to be so loud - people could hear it. ahhh

    I love your heart and glad it can be fixed. i'll be cheering you on every step of the way (:


All About Ashley

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Spring, TX, Southern, United States
Playing with and keeping up with my nephew and niece take up a lot of my time. Van Geaux takes up the rest of it. Work is an afterthought most days! I like to be outside- but not when it's too hot. I get bored at my desk all day. Niki keeps my world spinning and without her and AC I'd lose it. My work ethic crashes at 4 p.m. daily and I live my sweet puppy and my hedgehog whenever I am not at Niki's. I truly believe naps are quality pass-time events, and sometimes I say bad words at work. I'm pretty sure I'm insane on multiple levels and I believe rules don't apply to me.
It seems that my life is quite entertaining. I didn't realize this myself, but was informed of it by my friends- who are rather entertained by tales of my life occurrences.

I'm far from a professional writer. These are just stories, comments, and other items for simple amusement. Hopefully it's a fun read, as Shannon plans to edit it into a book one day! Maybe we'll become famous, and maybe we'll just have some good laughs at my expense (and some other characters in my life). Either way, happy reading!