My Little Flashers

As an Auntie, you hope to make an impression on your nieces and nephews. You want so much to be a part of their lives and teach them things. You want to leave them with something.

Well, today I find I may have overdone things. Niki sent me a message this morning after letting the kids decorate their Mardi Gras trees for their rooms. She went to take their picture and asked for smiles and "cheeses." Instead she got this.

They pulled up their shirts and flashed her. Unprompted. I mean- check out Lorlelei. That is a straight up, "Throw Me something Mister!!" pose if I ever saw one. 

Niki and Jade are pretty low key. And Niki would never in her life flash anyone (except maybe Jade on occasion) for beads. There is no way they learned this from their parents. And so, it makes me wonder... Am I really just the Auntie? Or are they actually MY children???

Really, Dude?

I simply do not understand the ghetto car thing.

This lives just outside my apartment window:

Now, there is nothing particularly remarkable about this car, right? 

I thought not.

So why, I ask, does the dude have a very loud, very obnoxious alarm on his car? One that goes off during the night at least once a week?

And yesterday I noticed this- matching brown rims. He had it jacked up in that very space- front and center- for two days last week changing those. I thought he had a flat or something. Nope. New rims. 

Also, the paint in glittery. (I'm sure he's appreciate that description).

Yesterday when Van and I were getting out of our car her wagging tail (which is 99.9% fluff) brushed his car and it gave warning beeps. She's not breaking into your car, buddy, she's a dog. 

Is someone really going to try and steal this car? Really? We don't live in the Bronx or NYC. It's Spring, Texas. If anyone is going to steal something it will be a diesel truck.

So have I missed the ghetto car trend? Am I out of the loop? What up with the tricked out pieces of crap?

Jobs & Kindergarten

I seem to have a real knack for finding jobs that use the skills I learned in kindergarten. I've only had two jobs since college. But still, both had elements of my 6 year old days on the multicolored carpet. Actually, I went to three different kindergarten because we moved twice that year. Well, actually only one. But my parents thought we were moving, so they changed my school. Then we didn't move. Then we actually moved. So there you go. Could this have anything to do with my kindergarten-related career paths? Maybe I'm trying to relive what I missed. At any rate...

At the DIB, I was always working with maps. But we had a fairly serious lack of technology. So when coding the maps, I used crayon. We must have had 40 3-foot pages of maps hand-colored by yours truly. They got a lot of use, I tell you. So my time spent coloring was worth it. And the irony here is that the only memory I have of my second kindergarten class (which I attended for about 2 months) is getting marks off for coloring outside of the lines. Number one, I was in kindergarten for goodness sake! Number two, joke's on you, teacher lady. I STILL color outside the lines and it's taken me far. Ha!

We also had kind of a glue stick thing going on at the DIB. Kim, my boss, was really into glue sticks. He had about 3 at his desk at any given time. No lie. And he used them. Regularly. He also hated brown, but that has nothing to do with kindergarten.

Now, at Monico, it's stickers. Stickers are everywhere. We most certainly do not have a lack of technology here. I have no idea what's going on most of the time there's so much technology. Technology is what we do. Or what they do. I market said technology. Come to find out, technology people are into labels. We label everything. But not just with boring old mailing labels. No, no. We have a Dymo labeler that gets used regularly and stuck onto things and custom logo stickers for boxes, screens, gateways, and other things I have no idea what they are. And then there are also product labels- which are also everywhere. I spent about two hours today putting stickers on things.

Plus there's my thing with post its, yet another form of sticker. I have post its everywhere. Sam, my coworker, made fun of me today. I have a line of them down one side of my desk and a grouping of them at the top of my desk. OK, Sam, we aren't all engineers that can calculate huge numbers without a calculator, write computer programs, and, apparently, keep how-to and to-do lists in our heads. I can hardly keep my own name in my head for goodness sake. And these people let me program things! Ha- what a joke! This, for me, requires extensive how-to lists. I have post it notes with lines for note taking. Then there's the to-do lists. I have to-do lists for my to-do lists. Because I make a to do list of tasks, then I make a to-do list of how do do a specific task on the original to-do list. Occasionally this requires a third to-do list.

Stickers and Crayons. That's my career. Now all I need to do is talk them into letting me have the kindergarten nap time and I'll be good to go.

Sunday Morning Thoughts...

I'm spending my first quiet morning in my apartment- which is nearly unpacked and ready for pics, by the way. It's wonderful and scary and perfect all at the same time. A few random thoughts whirling through my mind...

This is my new true love (right after Van):

I found this gem in a closet at AC's house when we were packing her things and I stole/was gifted it. It's a wedding gift they never used, because she doesn't drink coffee. Well, I do and this thing makes GREAT coffee! Plus there's little to wash because there's no carafe. In love.

There is nothing in the world like having a huge bathtub. Nothing. I have one now- I will never be able to go back. "There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know any of them." - Sylvie Plath.

Amen, Sista! I spent an hour in mine last night.

I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. More so emotionally. So, change is hard! I'm loving it and petrified of it at the same time. How weird is it that I left something that was stifling me and I almost wish I was still safely there. That's not weird, it's demented. I think starting the new job and having a new "purpose" will be very good. I do well with something to throw myself into.

Living alone (which, by the way, I love) is reminding me that I am nearly 30 and alone. Even in 2011, there is still a feeling of "I'm getting old and I'm alone..." What up- Women's Lib??? Weren't you supposed to get rid of these emotions? I'm actually looking forward to 30. They say a woman's 30s are her glory years. And I really won't miss my 20s. They were a bit traumatic. But... it still is a little hard to have to carry everything yourself and not have someone to lean on. Plus- I worry because I have this mental block with "just having fun with a guy." I can't do it. I get attached too quickly. As in, right away. For example, I met a guy right before I left P'cola (thank you, timing, for that one), cuddled with him a bit (as in just cuddled, nothing more) and it's killing me. Can we say irrational hang up?

I was at the doctor last Friday and contemplating too many things while checking out. The lady had Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope, and a future.) posted at her desk. How cool is God? He has laid everything I have prayed for in my lap and I am having a bit of a freak out. Instead of being mad, he gives me a Bible verse... in the middle of a doctor's office. I JUST LOVE GOD!!!

I have a ridiculous number of books. I don't have enough places to put them. And the other day, I bought more! Is there a term for book addiction? Because I have it. I should have rented a library, not an apartment.

Don't think I'm regretting or am unhappy! I'm in my bliss, actually. Niki is here! I have seen her EVERY day for a week! There is nothing better. As you know- my best friend is my peace and my happy place. She is God's amazing blessing in my life and every time I see her every single worry flies out the window. That, and Nathan looked at me the other day and declared, "I DO love you, Auntie!"

I'm in Heaven!

Whew!

When it rains, it pours... right?
Yep, exactly right!

What should have been two weeks of packing and rejoicing has turned into two weeks of little sleep, drama, stress and wine for coping. Sally's hip replacement went well. But none of us imagined how difficult the recovery would be. We've been fighting our way through quite a lot of pain and tears. It's a nightly event to get through with the pain meds, Sal being pissed about the pain, and a bunch of general craziness.

Then comes... a new friend. Hmm... that makes it hurt to leave. Short version: I don't handle things like this well. I can't start something I won't finish. It's hard for me.

Also- my nephew is in Boston Children's Hospital due to fluid in his lungs. And I've been sick.

Yesterday I had a wrap-up doctor visit before I leave. Turns out my heart murmur may be acting up and I need to see a cardiologist. It's doubtful that it's anything serious. But just one more thing. And with me- after losing about 2 years of my life to medical drama any little thing pushes me over the edge.

Then on to U Haul loading. But the U Haul wasn't ready, of course. So we had an hour to load up. We made it!

Last night we ended up with an emergency trip to the ER (of the ambulance, paramedic, fire department type). Sal had a reaction to one of her meds and her tongue was swollen to the point she was having difficulty breathing. That began at 1am and ended at 5. She's home now, and supposedly OK.

So the saying is true, when it rains it pours.

I have been calling AC and Niki almost constantly in various states of panic. Thankfully I have friends with the ability to remind me who I am, what I need, and why I am doing the things I am. I love that when I call Niki she can tell me what to do and why because she knows me so well. Quote of the day: "There are plenty of single cowboys in Texas!!" And poor AC- I think she will probably be glad when I take my drama and go!

This is the loaded U Haul yesterday, and my sweet Daddy-o pretending to be my knight in shining armor with a BBQ grill lid.

I grew up fishing with Daddy. I aaaaaalways got stuck on the bottom. I would think it was a fish and get all pumped and then be crushed. And then, I got so used to being stuck that I would just hand the pole over regardless. Turns out, about half the time it would actually be a fish! Over time these childhood incidences turned into a life lesson from Daddy:

"Life can be difficult, but step out and try again and again. Sometimes when you're stuck on the bottom, it might be a big fish."

Here's a prayer of thankfulness for friends and family, for new friends and old, for cowboys, for nephews and nieces, for help stepping out of your box, for friends that know you better than you do yourself, and for a God big enough and wonderful enough to bring us together.

I'm off!!

Police Raid at the Farm

Can't believe I forgot to tell you this!

So Sunday night/morning we had a police raid at the farm. OK, not really. But kind of.

At 2:30am the police came to the farm. I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. I just knew there were lights flashing outside and someone was shining this incredibly BRIGHT flashlight in my windows. Van was growling like she was about to kill something. Tommie came running in from the other bedroom growling and barking like bloody hell. Who wants to guess what my reaction was?
I groaned, rolled over, and put my pillow over my head. So serious. There's your first clue I would make a sucky criminal- the police come and I don't run, I try and go back to sleep. WHAT? They woke me up from a dead sleep!!

So, eventually Sally gets up to answer the door and there are more flash lights in the windows and stomping on the porch and people yelling "Police!!" and so I roll out of bed and yell, "What the HELL is going on???" By the time I stumble to the living room and Sally tells me that they say it's the police at the door (because apparently a deep voice yelling "POLICE!!" didn't register to me) and I see that the dogs have straight up morphed into two Cujos trying to eat the door down I wake up enough to say, "Oh shit! What's happening, what's happening???!!!" (At this point I realize the bright flashing lights and flashlights in the window actually meant something.)

I restrain the dogs (but only half heartedly, because if the police are coming to get me I am letting Van at them!!) and Sally opens the door. Turns out all that drama is because the neighbors' alarm is going off (I can't hear a thing) and no one is turning it off and the police came to the wrong house. It took me at least 10 minutes to get Van calmed down enough to go back to sleep. Van does not do strange men at our house. Love her.

Well thank you VEEEERY much, Escambia County Sheriff's Department for not being able to read the address numbers on the house with your huge, very bright flashlights!
These things only happen to me.

Frivolous Friday

When I first met AC she sent me one of these and we started a trend of doing them daily for months. It was kind of sad, really, but it's how we got to know each other. We roped other friends into doing them too- which is even sadder.

Seeing as I will be makig new friends soon, I decided to get back in the swing of things. So here I go...
You're drooling aren't you, Ash? ;)


27 random questions

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I can't see... I need to put my contacts in!

2. How much cash do you have on you?
About 75 cents.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"
More!!!

4. Favorite planet?
I'll go with Earth

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
I haven't missed that many calls yet today

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
LSU Fight Song, BABY!!

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A red one in honor of Sadie!

8. Do you "label" yourself?
All the time. And sometimes I even mail myself...

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?
Rampage (cheap, but cute!)

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
I think they don't exist

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was sound asleep

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
It was some random spam text. You can get Spam texts now???

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
We don't have one in P'cola

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
"CRaaaaaaaaaaaaap!"

17.Who told you he/she loved you last?
Van Geaux this morning. ;)

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Again, Van Geaux!

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Just vitamins

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None- I'm digital

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
24

22. Your worst enemy?
Conduit

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Van and Whoodie at the beach

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"She's always annoying." Yes- I'm horrid.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
mmmmm, Toughie! But I'll go for the million bucks.

26. Do you like someone?
Now I just feel like I' in elementary school

27. The last song you listened to?
Am I Living it Right by John Mayer


Wow- now I see why we stopped doing these. That was lame.

Guilty Pleasure Songs

I was just reading through some of the 1000 Awesome Things and came across this one:

#467: Guilty Pleasure songs.

I am the queen of this because I like the really bad 80s and 90s songs. Not the normal bad one that everyone likes. The really bad ones.

Some of my guilty pleasure songs:

Glory of Love by Peter Cetera
Jessie by Joshua Kadison
Tutti Frutti by Buckwheat Zydeco
Fearless by Cyndi Lauper
Angel Eyes by the Jeff Healey Band
Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Pretty bad, right?

Case for a Creator

I have been reading a book by Lee Strobel called The Case for Faith. This is the third book of his I have read and I really enjoyed The Case for Christ and The Case for Faith. Lee Strobel is a journalist and former atheist who interviews various experts in a myriad of fields to prove that Christ existed, why you can have faith, and in the one I am reading now: why the universe must have had a master designer, or creator. The difference with this one is that it is dealing with the beginning of the universe and it references physics and chemistry and things I don't understand.

Now, I totally find these kinds of books fascinating. I love having the history of the Bible, why it's reliable, the theology of it, etc explained to me. I just think it's cool. But after reading a chapter about why there must be a creator because the setting for gravity has a one in a billion trillion trillion trillion trillion (I'm serious- he said it was a one with 56 zeros after it) chance of being set exactly at the spot it is and if it were moved even a (insert some other incomprehensibly small number here) percent humans would be instantly squished, I was just confused. And my brain started to wander. And I come to the following conclusions as to why Ashley Lane must have been created (and mine are much simpler):

My grandparents never should have met.

My Paw Paw was sent back to the US from Germany in WWII before the rest of his army unit to get a space ready for them at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina. On a train ride from DC to NC he happened to sit next to a man meeting his wife and daughter in NC. But guess what? He was supposed to get off the train and party it up with a buddy, but he got too drunk and fell asleep. So he left with the nice man instead. At the same time, my Gran was riding a train from Asheville, NC and sat next to a lady and her charming daughter on their way to meet their husband/father. They became friendly and exchanged numbers. That evening the lady and daughter met my Paw Paw at dinner with the man from the other train. The nice lady (no one remembers her name) decided Gran would be just perfect for Paw Paw. The problem: Gran refused the invitation to meet him.

Two days later- Granny is walking down a street where the nice lady just happens to be getting her hair cut and her four-year-old daughter just happens to spot Granny out the window and runs out onto the street, cornering her.

You see where this is going, right?

What are the odds???

Add on that Paw Paw almost immediately was sent to the West Coast instead to be shipped to Japan, then the war ended and then he found Gran again, and you can see that no Harlequin romance Novel can beat this!

My parents never should have met either

My Mama was married just out of college and he left her less than a year after the wedding. She didn't date for years. She just went places with friends- including one of her best friends from high school, Stevie Hendry. In the mean time Daddy made BFF with his freshman year roommate, David Hendry. Their sister was getting married and my Daddy, "Mr. LSU," was somehow without a date. The Hendry boys plotted and tricked Mama into being his date and voila!

Not quite as unique as Granny and Paw Paw, but add on that Mama thought Daddy was breaking up with her while he was proposing and it gets more unlikely.

I could go on, but this post is getting kind of long. Let's just suffice it to say that my life is rather odd and crazy and so many unlikely things happen that someone must be in control up there! Someone funny, actually, because what started off as everyone confusing two girls with the same name (Ashley), one that worked in City Hall and one that worked at the DIB, and an incident with an Elvis stalker (Yep, that's right...) turned into a BFF relationship with AC that I could never, ever survive without.

What's your case for Creation?

I was attacked by a chair

Sometimes, I truly believe I attract odd events. It probably doesn't help that I currently live with a crazy old lady.

<--- see crazy old lady.











So, this morning I was leaving for work and trying to be on time. This was slightly difficult has Sal has just returned from her 50th high school reunion and was getting me up to date on the guy who took her virginity. So fun.

I finally made it out the door to find that someone had lost a large, blue velvet recliner in our driveway. I use the term "lost" loosely as there is no way that thing could bounce out of your truck without you noticing. So I go in and get Sal, laughing, actually, because she just told me last week she wanted a new recliner. We headed out to move it; me in my work clothes, her in a loosely attached bath robe. As we drug it across the street (she refused to let it sit in her front yard and preferred it be in the neighbor's) we noticed its "innards" seemed to be falling out of the bottom, and as I took a step I jabbed my big toe onto the end of one of the springs and cut my toe. All this while the traffic is backed up by about 5 cars of kids on their way to the high school around the corner. Finally, we got the chair situated in the neighbors yard, the cars passed and I hobbled back across the road to clean up. Who knew a toe could bleed so much???

Obviously, I was not on time to work this morning.
I found another piece of the chair farther down the road and left it alone.

Smart Ass Questions

So, I saw this today. It's a warning on a plastic bag a computer came in

1. If the slash is BEHIND the photo, does that mean it's OK to smother and choke yourself?

2. Do you really need to smother yourself with a plastic bag AND choke yourself at the same time? Isn't that kind of overkill?

3. Is he actually choking himself, or holding the ends of the bag down so that no new air can get in? And if the second is the case, do you really thing the warning on a bag would have stopped him?

These kinds of warnings baffle me. They really do. Like the warning stickers they put on the plastic storage containers you buy at Wal Mart. I can see a child climbing into one of the boxes to play. But if a person is going to lock the lid onto the container with their kid inside, don't you think they would have done something anyway??? Do the boxes really need a warning. Because I don't know anyone who would not see their child in a CLEAR PLASTIC CONTAINER and accidentally put the lid on and lock the kid inside. And even is this mistake did occur, you would HEAR your kid in there or feel the instable weight in it when you lifted the box.

I worry more about our legal system when I realize that people get away with suing, and winning cases, against companies that make plastic bags and containers than I do when it lets criminals out onto the streets.

Good grief!

.

My Mother the Professional Cowgirl

This is a true story.

I'm pretty sure this whole event occured about two years ago because Amanda was home from college about to venture off to Phoenix. Katie was living with me in my completely adorabe little house in Navy Point. Mama and I had just gotten back from dinner at Deborah's house, and for some reason we all converged at my house. We did that a lot, so we didn't really need an excuse- but now that I think about it, Amanda must have been picking Mama up because Mama didn't have her own keys... explination to follow...

Mama and I pulled up about the same time as Amanda, and Kae came outside to greet us seeing as the Great Dane and Golden Retriever were about to burst through my glass front door. The door handle is onf of those that locks automatically and Kae locked herself out. So Amanda tossed her Mama's car keys (she had a key to my house), but overstimated her strength and they landed on my roof. Oops.

To remebdy this, rather than just driving home to get Mama's spare key, we pulled my truck into the front yard (and into my flower bed) and Mama created a lasso from my garden hose- I think this could have been my idea- and proceeded to try and "lasso" her keys and drag them off of the roof. I thought this was HILARIOUS (as you can see in photo number two). After about 20 minutes of effort, she finally did get her keys down. Actually, I think Amanda managed to get the keys down- and into my front flower bed where we lost them for the second time. But eventually we found them there as well.

I just love my Mama- she may do anything at any moment and you can bet whatever "it" is, it will be funny! Notice Katie and Amanda were unwilling to actually participate in this ridiculous event, but were more than willing to take photos.

No trucks, garden hoses or rooves were harmed in this effort. Only the bushed on both sides of my front door!

The End.

There's a Beaver in my Trunk!

This is a completely and totally true story, I swear it.

So, remember when I told you about Sally's daughters? Well, this involves them.

A few years ago, for New Year's Eve, we decided to all stay home and have our own dinner and party instead of going out. We ended up planning a "Missed America" beauty pageant where everything you wore came from a thrift or discount store. That's a whole other story in itself, so we'll talk about that later. But for background: one of the questions in the Q&A segment of the pageant was Annie's question, "If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?" To which she answered very demurely, "I would be the beaver, because I repel water and can chew through wood with my teeth..." So many comments to surround this answer, but let's just stick with saying that it caused a ripple effect that meant everyone in the family immediately started collecting beaver paraphernalia for Annie.

A year later, Annie got engaged and the wedding planning began. Meanwhile, separately, the random beaver themes kept going.

At the time, there was a lady cleaning our stalls at the farm that was wonderful, and just as crazy as we are. She and her family were always over and knew Annie well, and also about all of our antics. She was driving down the road in Molino (a little, odd redneck town North of Pensacola) when she saw a dead beaver on the side of the road. Being part of our crazy crew, she pulled over, backed up, and put the beaver into the trunk of her bright yellow VW bug and drove it home with her where she put it into her freezer.

Again- I promise this is true.

The following week, she brought it over to Sally's and transfered it into HER freezer as a surprise. Sally, also being crazy, was delighted and we all got a huge laugh out of the beaver gift. Poor beaver, he lived in the freezer for a few months because no one could quite bring themselves to dispose of him. Then Sally came up with her genius plan... she would have him stuffed for Annie's wedding and he could be the center piece. Kim, Annie and I, being crazy, thought this was a fabulous idea! Paul (the fiancée) didn't really get a choice in the matter.

So Sally finds a taxidermist she's satisfied with (this took a while) and decides to take the (still frozen) beaver to him one Saturday afternoon. I was over along with a random Navy pilot taking horseback riding lessons from Sally who we won't discuss because I dated him and he turned out to be a jerk. But at the time, we liked him, so let's just go along with the story...
Sally, from her bathroom, yells to us in the living room, "Drew! I need some help with my beaver." I fell on the floor laughing, Drew looked horrified. She follows that statement (deadpan) with, "I keep it in the freezer in the garage. It's too heavy for me, can you get it out and put it in the bed of my truck. I'm taking it to the taxidermist."

Me: Still laughing hysterically
Drew: Still looking flabbergasted and afraid

We let the poor guy go on like this for a few minutes until I regained enough control to explain- which only sent all three of us into hysterics.

Drew helped Sally with her beaver, and three weeks later he (the beaver) came home, stuffed and mounted in a little woodland scene, chewing through wood with his teeth. He really is a lovely beaver. And he made multiple appearances at the wedding including at the very quaint pre-wedding tea party.

See, told you it was a true story!

Sadly, I can't find my beaver wedding photos, but we have some great ones. The wedding was this beautiful, very classy event downtown. The beaver was behind the bar at the center of the room, under the spot light. Currently, he lives in Sally's bedroom.

So that's my story for today. And here's are a few more wedding photos (sans beaver) just for the hell of it!

Groomsmen, all fresh off the plane from New Zealand. The groom's a Kiwi.

Ceremony in Old Christ Church

Bride skateboarding in Vera Wang gown (seriously)

Walking to the reception

First Dance

AC & Sadie

I have no reason for this post except that I stumbled across these photos today and they mad me laugh! Have a peek...

Me & The Hubbs fighting over a beer???

At Pensacola's 450th Birthday Party 

The Goddess dancing with the City Attorney

Bootie dancing newlyweds

Hotties!

With the band

This, now THIS is what cracks me up! WHAT?????

Sarah gets beads from homeless man's bicycle

Me as conquistador

Sarah as conquistador, me hugging her? Or maybe strangling her?

Sorry this is sideways, but please turn your head to the left and tell me it doesn't look like AC is shooting a firework out of her beer!

There were a few times during this night I actually thought I was drunk, only to realize that I was just having too much fun!! loved it!

Fairy Princess

It's my cute little fairy princess Mama's birthday today! Here is my effort at making her into a princess using Sarah's fun website.

Isn't she the cutest? She's been an amazing mother and friend to both of my sisters and I. She was always waiting for us when we got off of the bus with a tea party set up, we always played BEFORE homework, and she was always playing cute little fairy games. Toys in our rooms would be turned over, candy would be sprinkled around, and on all St. Patrick's Days green glitter would be here and there along with Junior Mints.

I had a fairytale childhood… and I mean that quite literally, a childhood full of tales of fairies. When I was about four, and my sisters were three and one and a half (We were all born within three and a half years. We can discuss my parents’ fertility later.), we lived in a very old house in Abbeville, Louisiana. Mama was trying to get all three of us to take a nap at once, not a simple feat. There was a big vine growing in the bedroom window, and Mama told us the story of the Fairy Vine. This was a magical vine, a vine where the fairies played Chutes and Ladders, or something of the sort. It was also a vine by which fairies granted the wishes of little girls while they napped. We were enthralled, naturally. Little girls are easily enthralled, and we had the most enthralling of mothers! We made wishes, apparently for beautiful jammies. And they appeared. Mine were blue. Beautiful silky jammies with lace. 

I can follow your thoughts here. I’ve had them too- in one of my lapses in judgment when I thought everything could be explained. She prompted our wishes, she ran to the store while we napped… something. First, let me tell you plainly that my Mama never prompted any of our thoughts. She loved our thoughts too much, she lived for them. She, both of my parents actually, were always very careful to allow us our own thoughts, our own dreams, our independence. You’ll have to take my word for it, but she never prompted our thoughts. And if she HAD prompted our thoughts, they would have involved glitter anyhow. Second, you likely haven’t lived in Abbeville, Louisiana. It doesn’t, or didn’t when we lived there, have stores that sell silk, frilly pajamas for little girls. And even if they had, it would have been blocks from our home and Mama would never have left us alone. Aside from having the foresight to believe in fairies, she was also a very good mother. 

So after our naps, when we woke up, there were our beautiful new jammies at the bottom of the bed. Just waiting for us. And we were ecstatic. I wish I remembered what we did when Daddy got home! I can only imagine how we relayed our story to him. 

And that was how all of our childhood was- full of fun and games and playing and fairytales. On rainy days, Mama put on her roller skates and roller-skated us, in turns, up and down the halls. On sunny days our dollar store swimming pool was filled with the shipping peanuts that came in my Daddy’s huge boxes of veterinary medical shipments and we “swam” in them in the front yard. 

She deserves a world of credit for the things she's sacrificed, the hour plus round trip car pools she's driven, and the one and only day she "grounded" me and took me shopping.

I LOVE YOU MOMMY!!

Kendall, Please Interpret

All right, Kendall. Let's see that art degree put to use. What the hell is this???

It's from a sand castle building competition on the beach Sunday, and AC and I have no clue what it is. A toe with two Great Walls of China and some turtles???

Other than that, here's the rest of our day:

News crews lining Pensacola Beach

Thousands of people with us ignoring the tar balls for one last hoorah at the beach

Rather appropriate sand castle

Dive bar Ash took me to

Ice cold beer on a 100 degree afternoon

Two sweaty babes on a 100 degree afternoon

No idea why I took this

Electric Mullet

Lovely shot of half of my face that Ash took. Is that my good side?

Electric Mullet fan who may be a woman or a man, wears a lot of blue eye shadow and has a majorly bad wig on. Kendall- want to interpret that one too?

Perms & Shoot Outs

I had pictures of news trucks lined up down Pensacola Beach from yesterday to show you, but I forgot my camera today. Plus that's depressing and I'm getting away from my blogging roots here.

Back to randomness...

My Mama went for a perm this weekend. A PERM! Didn't those go out in about 1990?? It never ceases to amaze me that the woman perms her hair. Or that she forced me to perm it pretty much until I went to college. Awful! At least she's finally found someone that perms it minimally and has (thank you Lord) talked her into not brushing it. Because yes, ladies, she brushes her perms!! AHH!!

So T and I were discussing Mama's hilarious nature when we remembered this lovely tale:

Every year, my work puts on this children's parade led by Santa Claus down the streets of downtown to the huge switch that turns on all the Christmas lights. My precious family loves me enough to attend this debacle. About 4 years ago, the police blocking the streets turned their lights on and ran off in the middle of the parade (leaving about 400 small children in the street unprotected no less!). Come to find out, there was a shooting a few blocks over. How nice. On the way home, poor Amanda had to drive with Mama who swore she knew exactly how to get home and ended up directing Amanda right through the middle of the closed off area where the shooting was. The shooting that Mama dubbed, "The ShOOt Out!!!" Amanda tells a different story, but let's go with Mama's because it's much more entertaining. Mama keeps telling Amanda, "Left here, right here..." and manages to turn them into about 4 separate police cars where the officers had their guns out and ,"We got stuck in a ShOOT Out!!" Because Pensacola has now actually become the Wild, Wild West in case you were unaware. Mama finally yells to Amanda to, "DUCK!" To which Amanda responds, quite rationally, that she can't duck because she's driving.

They finally arrive home, about 20 minutes after me- which was odd since I had to stay and clean up, and Mama comes flying into the front door screeching, "Amanda and I were in a ShOOt Out! A SHOOT OUT!! We got stuck in the streets and people were shooting around us! I felt like I was on one of those cop shows!!" My daddy, being rather used to Mama's crazy experiences, remained calm and went about getting dinner ready while listening. This just was not going to do for Mama, so she grabs him as he turned to head out the door to the grill with two raw chickens and corners him and is jumping up and down in front of him (she's 5'4, he's 6'1) banging him on the shoulders while he tries to balance raw chickens screeching, "BEEEEUUUL (supposed to be Bill), BEEEUUUL!! Did you HEAR me? I was in a SHOOT Out!!! I almost Died!!!! This goes on for about 2 minutes while T, my sisters, and I crack up and Daddy manages to keep the chicken off the floor. The evening ended with us watching the news, because Mama was certain she was going to be on it. Much to her dismay- the "ShOOt Out" did not make it onto the news, but my Elf Parade did.

My theory is that the rogue cowboys in the Wild, Wild West of Pensacola saw some crazy lady with a perm screeching in a car and took shelter.

My Neighbor is Back From the Dead!!

Oh my goodness- this is NUTS!

So, when Sal and I were in Wisconsin for Kim's wedding her weird-o cousin-in-law called to tell her that her neighbor, Ralph, had died. Now, we were not BFF with Ralph or anything, but he is a great neighbor and was awesome during the hurricane. We were appropriately sad (while dying from Montezuma's Curse) and we really didn't know his wife at all- so we've just kind of been avoiding their house. Which isn't really hard since it's all the way on the other side of the pasture. Anyhow...

We got to actually know Ralph about 4 years ago when he ordered a ton of Hummels (little German antique statues) for his wife for their 30 year anniversary because they had to sell her collection years before to pay for family, kids, house, etc. It was totally adorable. He had all of the Hummels (about 15 or so) delivered to Sally's so his wife wouldn't find out. Except we kind of worried she might think he was having an affair because all of a sudden he was over frequently. But that was his problem.

So the other day (about a month after Ralph's sudden death) a box for him shows up on our porch. We totally freaked out because we were going to have to deliver a gift to the woman from her dead husband! FREAKY! I completely bailed on Sally and told her that I just lived there and it was really HER neighbor, so she was on her own. After a few minutes of deliberation, Sally decided to call over there and let the wife know. I thought the wife must still be pretty upset (I mean, it had only been a month) because when Sal asked for her she immediately followed that with OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! and burst into tears. Then she found the nearest chair and crashed into it and I was a bit concerned. I almost burned the kitchen down with the bacon I was cooking when I hear her screech into the phone, "Ralph, You're ALIVE! I thought you were dead!" Then she explains into the phone about the telephone call from her weird cousin-in-law about her neighbor Ralph being dead and how he is her ONLY neighbor named Ralph. Thank goodness, Ralph took this well. He handed the phone over to his wife and said, "Here honey, it's Sally. She wants to tell you that I am dead."

I know you're laughing right now. I actually am too! But at the time it was completely creepy, I tell you! I walked the box across the pasture to a very alive Ralph (so surreal!) and told him he was looking better than ever.

We have no idea what Ralph actually died.