Definitions

I'm reading Captivating again. Scanning/reading is probably a more accurate statement. And re-absorbing the powerful parts of this book that made such an impression on me.

One point it makes is that women tend to be more defined by relationships. We are relational beings, created in God's image to reflect his desire for strong, intimate relationships. I was thinking about that, and I think it's very accurate for many women. Even as the world changes and morphs and women move into bigger leading roles around the globe; these women, we, still hold the roles of mother, daughter, friend, wife, and struggle with balancing these roles with work.

The book says, "Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships, and the quality they deem those relationships to have. I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Or, I am alone. I'm not seeing anyone right now, or my children aren't calling, or my friends seem distant."

How true is that for you? It struck a strong chord with me. In thinking about myself and my role before I moved to Texas, I was Ashley Hamlin, DIB Program Manager. My job was so consuming, even when I no longer loved it, the wherever I went in the city, whatever I did, I felt defined by it. I had to be on guard and alert.

Moving to Texas made me anonymous. I have a non-demanding (although rather non-rewarding) job here. But when I walk out of the office door, I'm just Ashley. I am best friend, auntie, sister, daughter, girlfriend. I am whatever that moment makes me. And these roles, these roles that I cherish, now define my life 100% of the time. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how big a difference that loosing that career woman role made in my life.

Don't get me wrong- I miss that role at times. More often these days, actually. And I still entertain the thought of taking it back, although not so seriously I hope! So I certainly don't mean that we, women, should drop them. Not at all. I just mean that if we are more aware of which roles we let take the most weight in our self-definition, how can we change ourselves?

These thoughts have been rolling around a lot in my head recently.

The Pope

It was very ironic for me to give big accolades to Pope Francis this week, because over the weekend I commented to German that I didn't see what the big deal about The Pope was. I fully understand that the role has great historic significance, and I believe whoever is in that role should certainly be honored. But to me, they should be no more important than any leader at the helm of a church. There's a good chance I don't understand this because I'm not Catholic. Fair enough. But (note to newscasters everywhere) I care more about the economy, the wars we are fighting and security than I do about what the Pope is doing. Just saying.

All that being said, whoever is in the role of Pope is absolutely considered a religious leader and what he says and does reflects on all of Christianity, not just Catholics. And in that vein I would like to thakn Pope Francis for setting an amazing example and representing the Christian faith in a kind, loving and generous way. (I'm sure he's been sitting on the edge of his seat waiting for that from me...)

This quote by him last weekend floored me. Completely. I have an incredible amount of respect for anyone in a leadership position willing to make such a statement in the religious environment of the world today. I read an article by someone stating he didn't do that much because the catholic church still condemned homosexuality and  no real change had been made. Noted and accepted. That is a true statement. But for the first time, someone in a position of authority in the church is reminding us to love, not judge. That it isn't our place to condemn anyone. And that above all we are here to do our best to be flawed reflections of Jesus- Jesus who never openly condemned anyone but religious zealots.

So thanks to the Pope for reminding us who we are supposed to be in Christ. I am willing to bet we won't see the leadership of the Baptist, Presbyterian, Lutheran or even my beloved Methodist churches do anything so brave and truthful anytime soon.   

Failure

"Some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all — in which case, you failed by default."

— J.K. Rowling 

It was so interesting to come across this quote today, because reading before bed last night I read about failure as well. In this case, Brennan Manning was commenting on failing as a Christian. He said that the most successful Christians he knows are the ones who have failed- but gotten back up and kept going. Christians that last know they are going to screw it up, and they accept it. Because they know they are loved.

I had to read that a few times for it to sink in. Because I am truly afraid of failure. Not as much in the day-to-day life way as I am of failing at life itself. I am afraid of not being kind enough, not doing what I am meant to, not being where I need to be. So after that line sank in, I had to sit back and regroup some. I wanted to cry. Because I need to know that I am going to mess up, I am not going to get it right and things will not always work out- but that that is OK. 

I am not there- but I think I will try. :)

"For those who feel their lives are a grave disappointment to God, it requires enormous trust and reckless, raging confidence to accept that the love of Jesus Christ knows no shadow of alteration or change. When Jesus said, Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened," He assumed we would grow weary, discouraged, and disheartened along the way. These words are a touching testimony to the genuine humanness of Jesus. He had no romantic notion of the cost of discipleship. He knew that following Him was as unsentimental as duty, as demanding as love."

-Brennan Manning

Jumping on Birthday Bandwagon

Glamour magazine has been pushing their book about 30 things women should have and know by the time they are 30, my friend Sarah did a blog series titled, "What my 20s Have Taught Me," and I read a blog post on the Huffington Post this week about turning 30 and what you learn by getting older. All of this comes at an interesting time for me because I will be 30 next week! I'm not really worried about being 30, I'm excited, actually. Turning 25 was a bigger shock for me. But it does make you look back, and think, and see how far you have come; and how very, very far you have to go! I have so little knowledge compared to what I need to learn through years of life.

After all my reading, I've decided to take part in this little exercise. Some thoughts are mine, some are stolen, some are gleamed from other people's thoughts. Here we go...

Sometimes people are jerks. 
I don't mean this as in on some days we all act like jerks. I mean this as in some human beings are not nice people EVER. Really, it's true. I am sure each person has something about them that is likable, but there are times in life where we are in situations where we never, ever see this in a person. And unfortunately, some times you can't just leave them behind. Today, I took a tongue-lashing from my boss about an incident that was not my fault. But my coworker blamed me, and drug me under the bus, and since he is the salesman he does no wrong in this office. There are times in life where you have to just accept that a person in a jerk, you are not going to like them, and there is nothing you can do about it. And that's OK. It is how you act that counts. You can't control their actions, and you probably can't win. All you can do is be who you want to be.

Growth is really hard
People who say they just tra-la-la through life and learn happily as they go are lying. Some things do come easily and are fun. But growing and changing are hard. Battling yourself and the world to figure out who you are is a rough process. You are going to come out a little beat up and bruised. You will probably have scars. That's how it works. Life is hard, guys. We were not created to live in this kind of world- we are making it through this world until we get to our permanent home. Just when you get settled into a spot you think is good, something changes. I don't mean this as a downer- you are better on the other end of a struggle. You are good, you are strong, you have learned. But to believe that if life gets rough you have failed is setting yourself up for a lot of heartache. Know that life will get bumpy, but you will be OK. Handle yourself with grace, learn from what happens to you, and be grateful you have made it through.

Friends can fill the gaps
I lament a lot about my gratefulness for my friends. That's because they are important. Every one of us has gaps in our life that aren't filled. Friends can fill most of those for you. Let your friends walk through life with you. Allow yourself to lean on them, and them on you. If they are good friends, real friends, it will not be a burden because they will return the favor. Nurture and grow your friendships. God did not create us to live alone, and there are things that will come up that you can not do or face alone. That's OK, because you have friends. Let them be your friends.

Your dreams and goals will change
As you age and grow, your ideas about life are going to change. The things you want and don't want will change. Sometimes you may even be like me and fight so hard for something for years only to discover it really isn't what you want. That's OK- just allow yourself to change. Just say you changed your mind, pick up, and go in a new direction.

Take risks, but plan well
Take the risks you want to take. Go out there and try whatever it is you want to do. But be responsible. If you want to take time off of work, do it! But save first. If you want to up and move, do it! But find yourself a new job and a place to live before you go. If you want to start your own business, go for it! But have a business plan. Follow your dreams and take chances, but be smart too. Don't risk yourself or your own future.

Understand what makes you tick
You really need to take the time to know yourself. If you act a certain way in a situation, take the time to think through why. Don't just beat yourself up over your actions, figure out why you do the things you do. You can use that information to help you make changes or to just accept who you are. But one of the worst things you can do to yourself is to not really understand who you are. I have learned that I can think a lot of things about myself that aren't true. I may think I am big and bad and tough, and I did for years. But what I really am is afraid of failure and worried about being abused by others.

Be OK with who you are
This sounds cliche, and maybe it is. But it is also vital. We all have quirks and angers and hangup and habits. We're all a little wacky and a little off. We all have different talents. Don't just know this, accept this. You are who you were created to be. Some things you will be able to learn and do, some things you won't. That's OK. God has created you for something and He will use you for that. Stop spending time pining away for things you can't have and can't do. Just be you- you is pretty fun!

Have faith
It is beyond my ability to comprehend how people survive this life without God. If you believe you are only here by chance, then you believe that you don't matter. You do matter. Someone did create you. It's OK to find your way to this knowledge in your own way, but find it. Whatever happens to you, whatever is going on, what ever hurts and whatever helps- it is all a part of something more. There is something bigger and better than you. Have faith that you are loved and cared for. Understand that one day everything will be OK, because you were created for more than just this life. Have faith in the One who created you, and have faith in those people he puts in your life.

Get Off Your Knees and Pray

I didn't make up the catchy title to this post, Sheila Walsh did. This is obviously why she is the writer and public speaker and I have a marginally read blog. Yeah, well...

Get Off Your Knees and Pray is a book I picked up at the Goodwill one day for $0.99. I happened to be going through a period where I was worrying about my prayer life. God is so cool! See- I believe truly and wholly in the power of prayer. And I love that we get to pray. I have no idea how people made it when they had to go to priests to get  through to God. Because really, I chat with him constantly. But at the time I bought the book (and still some, actually) I was worried because I don't always focus well, I mean everything I pray about but sometimes don't 'feel" like I'm serious enough, and I get bogged down. Sounds like I'm an awful pray-er, right? Maybe not. This book is great! Sheila really made me feel better about who I am and where I am in my faith. It's hard sometimes to remember that we don't always have to be "on," we don't always have to be strong, and we certainly don't all have to be eloquent pray-ers. Like all religious-based books, there are parts I could do without. But religion and spirituality is so personal I believe that's always true. I kept many of the pieces of this book and carry them with me. A few favorite points:

"I no longer believe it is possible to stink at prayer."

"God hears all our prayers, the good and the bad. He is big enough to handle our honest questions and our doubts and even our anger."

"I am convinced that the words we use are of less interest to God than the intent of our hearts. God hears our heart no matter the words we use."

I have a lot more underlined in the book, but those are some main points for me. Especially that last one. Because I make a point of praying for my family and friends every morning. I stop, look at their photos and let God know I love them, am thankful for them, and what I want for them. But sometimes it feels like I am just checking off a list. The good news is that God knows how much my heart needs these people. He knows how my life is sustained by them and that the things I want for them are because I adore them so much! It was a relief to hear that He knew where my prayers were stemming from, and understood my intent- even if I don't always get it exactly right.

An example: My friend Shannon is one of the most talented, creative people there is. Unfortunately all of the world's creative people don't end up stars. Actually- that's good for me because I really need S and I never would have met her if she'd been famous because I have zero creative ability. Anyhow... S was doing some acting and singing and was a magazine editor. She took magazines that were mediocre on their best days and made them beautiful. She really, really is good ad what she does. Then she had babies. These babies are two of God's better creations to be sure. I'm obsessed with them. But her life took a drastic change when they came and creative outlets went out the window. She's a totally awesome mom, but (and I can say this because she knows how I mean it) it always bothered me a little that she wasn't succeeding in her field when she was so damn GOOD! She was glad she wasn't succeeding because she wanted to be a mom, but you know. So I chatted with God about it pretty regularly and just asked him for a good solution. Then one day (a few years later)  she got a call from a former work acquaintance for some freelance work. That freelance work turned in to the request for her to be their go-to freelance writer and fill in. DUH! Perfect- she can do it from home while Aury is at school and the world keeps getting to see her rockin work until she can get back to it more fully. Perfect solution, God. Well done!

I have no idea if you guys have stuck with me this long. But if you have, just remember that you're saved and covered. God doesn't judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. Just tell him what you think, what you need and why you're worried. He will figure it out. We don't all have to be super spiritual buffs. Some of us can just be us and love the best we can.